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So, I think my muse has died. I'm signed up for two big bangs right now and I'm definitely going to have to drop out of one and most likely the other as well, because every time I open a document I re-read what I have and spend half an hour making minuscule changes to what I've already written and then I'm done. I'm dried up.
But Tumblr put me in a meta kind of mood today, when someone commented that we know Sam takes his coffee black because that's how he orders it in 7.07, "The Mentalists," and someone else mentioned that he doesn't take it black any other time.
(expanded from my Tumblr post)
Okay but this is when he’s separated from Dean, and he keeps telling himself it’s a good thing, it was the right decision, Dean killed Amy, for fuck’s sake, and lied about it and he had to hear it from a fucking leviathan and he just can’t look at the guy right now, can’t even think about him without feeling his blood pressure spike and being swept away on a surging wave of anger; it’s the right decision, he knows it’s the right decision.
And yet, on the other hand, he can’t stand it, is constantly worrying about Dean, wants to know if he’s okay, because what if something happens to him because Sam doesn’t have his back, it’ll just be one more person who was hurt or killed because of him, and Cas isn’t going to save him now, and Bobby’s not there to back him up, and beyond the worrying, he finds it difficult to sleep without the sound of Dean breathing in the bed next to his, wakes up in a cold panic when he does manage to doze off, slips into a downward spiral of worry and despair and no, he’s not sleeping much at all.
And what about Jacob, what about the child Amy was so desperate to protect, he doesn't know if Dean killed him too (is ashamed he didn't think to ask), because if he didn't, that means Jacob is alive and alone out there, and Sam should try to find him, try to help him (although he's afraid Jacob would end up as another entry on the list of those who died because Sam Winchester crossed their paths) but if he did, if Dean killed the kid, it means his whole she kills people, Sam excuse is a bunch of bullshit because Jacob didn't kill anybody.
(But the worst part is that Lucifer knows now, and he's never going to stop gloating about it.)
So, yeah, black coffee with an extra shot. That's what Sam's having today.
(Years from now, he'll find out about Magda, what the BMoL did to the sweet psychic girl he thought he'd saved, and Dean will be furious, will be spitting fire, will rage that the BMoL had no right to kill someone who wasn't going to hurt anyone, had no right to override their decision, should not have killed someone so safe and harmless, and Sam will relive this pain, will avoid catching his brother's eye, will bite back the urge to confess this is bringing up some old shit that I thought I'd forgotten because he doesn't know which would be worse - if Dean remembers, or if he doesn't.)
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Also, for those of you in the US, TNT is having a season 10 marathon today (counterprogramming against the Super Bowl, one can only assume). But they're skipping Soul Survivor. And they're also skipping that vampire sister episode, which is fine, but they're showing 10.01, 10.02, and then 10.05 (Fan Fiction), and why? Of all the episodes to skip from S10, how could you pick Soul Survivor?
I mean, really
how in the hell
skip this one?
Now I'm going to have hammers on the brain again for a long, long time. God help us all.
1. Demon!Dean's speech patterns and inflection are different from Dean's. The tilt of his head, the lilt of his voice, are very Not!Dean. Lighter. Maybe being Not!Dean is lighter than being Dean. All of the responsibility of being Dean Winchester, savior, protector, warrior, martyr; it's all gone. Maybe because he finally gets to do the one thing almost everyone else eventually gets to do, the one thing he hasn't been able to do since he was four years old - stop worrying about monsters - maybe the weight of that being lifted is enough to lighten his load. Or maybe it's something else. Maybe it's not the weight of the monsters he's been carrying, but the people. The people he loves - those who are still with him (temporarily; it's always temporary, he always loses them one way or another) and those he's already lost, who have all thrown themselves onto the hand grenade that is Dean's life, who all died because of something he did or something he didn't do; they're gone but that doesn't mean they weigh any less, but now that they're been excised from his heart, along with his guilt and worry and responsibility, maybe he's so much lighter that even his voice is lighter.
( Maybe... )
( Rudy Hobbit always gets a pass… )
So. Yeah. If either of my scenarios happens, you won’t hear from me again because I will be dead from happiness. But it will be worth it.
And finally... a couple of wishes I made earlier in the season came true. I'm going to take that as a sign, and make some wishes for the rest of the season:
- Sam is depressed. Clinically depressed. That's why he's acting this way. And by the end of the season he works his way out of it.
- Dean apologizes, not for going to extremes to save Sam, but for lying to him about it. And Sam doesn't immediately let him off the hook, just like Dean never immediately lets Sam off the hook. Not because I dislike Dean, but because that's what people do.
- Cas continues to be this interesting combination of angel and human, but he stops pretending the last 5 seasons didn't happen.
Someone (I thought it was ash48 but now I can't find any of it in her LJ) did a lot of really interesting meta posts regarding color in SPN. Basically, Team Free Will wears red and blue, and green is a sign of danger that's often worn by victims. And oh, look what Sammy's wearing at the end of this episode. When he's talking about finally being happy. Yes, Sam, that green really brings out your eyes. But it also screams "victim."
(image courtesy fprintmoon)
Also, there's been some discussion about what Dean really meant when he said "it's a horror show up there" when Abaddon threatens to blow smoke up his ass. I know a lot of fans think he's talking about his state of mind, after rewatching (and rewatching and rewatching) I honestly think he's just talking about his ass. Because that's a very Dean thing to do - act as if he's taking her literally and make a joke about it.
I realized this in a conversation in brightly_lit's comments (see http://brightly-lit.livejournal.com/
So after a lot of rambling, I think my take on the consent issue is that Dean doesn't consider it an issue. When it comes to what he sees as his responsibility toward Sam, he's a very "ends justify the means" thinker. Whether Sam agrees, of course, is going to be another story.