So, I think my muse has died. I'm signed up for two big bangs right now and I'm definitely going to have to drop out of one and most likely the other as well, because every time I open a document I re-read what I have and spend half an hour making minuscule changes to what I've already written and then I'm done. I'm dried up.
But Tumblr put me in a meta kind of mood today, when someone commented that we know Sam takes his coffee black because that's how he orders it in 7.07, "The Mentalists," and someone else mentioned that he doesn't take it black any other time.
(expanded from my Tumblr post)
Okay but this is when he’s separated from Dean, and he keeps telling himself it’s a good thing, it was the right decision, Dean killed Amy, for fuck’s sake, and lied about it and he had to hear it from a fucking leviathan and he just can’t look at the guy right now, can’t even think about him without feeling his blood pressure spike and being swept away on a surging wave of anger; it’s the right decision, he knows it’s the right decision.
And yet, on the other hand, he can’t stand it, is constantly worrying about Dean, wants to know if he’s okay, because what if something happens to him because Sam doesn’t have his back, it’ll just be one more person who was hurt or killed because of him, and Cas isn’t going to save him now, and Bobby’s not there to back him up, and beyond the worrying, he finds it difficult to sleep without the sound of Dean breathing in the bed next to his, wakes up in a cold panic when he does manage to doze off, slips into a downward spiral of worry and despair and no, he’s not sleeping much at all.
And what about Jacob, what about the child Amy was so desperate to protect, he doesn't know if Dean killed him too (is ashamed he didn't think to ask), because if he didn't, that means Jacob is alive and alone out there, and Sam should try to find him, try to help him (although he's afraid Jacob would end up as another entry on the list of those who died because Sam Winchester crossed their paths) but if he did, if Dean killed the kid, it means his whole she kills people, Sam excuse is a bunch of bullshit because Jacob didn't kill anybody.
(But the worst part is that Lucifer knows now, and he's never going to stop gloating about it.)
So, yeah, black coffee with an extra shot. That's what Sam's having today.
(Years from now, he'll find out about Magda, what the BMoL did to the sweet psychic girl he thought he'd saved, and Dean will be furious, will be spitting fire, will rage that the BMoL had no right to kill someone who wasn't going to hurt anyone, had no right to override their decision, should not have killed someone so safe and harmless, and Sam will relive this pain, will avoid catching his brother's eye, will bite back the urge to confess this is bringing up some old shit that I thought I'd forgotten because he doesn't know which would be worse - if Dean remembers, or if he doesn't.)