What's this, you're asking... season 16? Well, some folks have formed a group called Frontierland Productions and plotted out a 16th season of Supernatural, taking place in the years (yes, YEARS) between 15.19 and 15.20. When I read the most recent episode, "Take the Long Way Home," I expressed my love and writer ameliacareful suggested I recap it like a filmed episode. And then quickreaver basically double-dog-dared me, so here it is. A retelling of someone's fic. Will anybody care? Let's find out! But go read the fic first. Seriously, it's amazing.

And remember, any snark is written with the utmost love and respect...

THEN: Chuck. Jack. Sam and Dean are the subjects of a podcast. They went to Vegas and killed a minotaur. Same shit, different day, right?

NOW: We see the Winchesters in the Impala, staking out an apartment complex. Apparently they're waiting for a witch who is magicking up a career as a fashion designer, despite a lack of talent so appalling that even Sam Winchester recognizes it. I wonder what Tofer the witch would think about Sam's orange jacket? (I'm quite sure Tim Gunn would be disappointed, but kind.) Two women are dead, but (spoiler alert) we never find out if Tofer is killing his competition, or if his ugly-ass clothes are killing his models.

A cute little purple car shows up and the guys follow Tofer inside, using the building keys they stole earlier. Oh, wait, this guy's full name is Christopher Listofler? That's. Um. Unfortunate. Okay. Moving on. The door opens on its own before they have a chance to break in. Tofer is sitting there in his living room with a lit candle, for that nice witchy ambience. {Sidebar: I need to point out how pleased I am that Sam changed his hair a little bit after 15.19 and has long, face-framing bangs again, kind of like the back half of season 8. And no evidence of hairspray. I approve.}

Tofer immediately pegs them as Not FBI, but Sam, for some reason, is mesmerized by whatever is draped over a clothes dummy in the corner. He can't seem to look away from it. Dean is also distracted by it, but not to the same extent. Tofer gets out a spell that makes Sam hit the floor, so naturally Dean shoots him in the head. The candle sputters out but the room is brightly lit by a brilliant glowing cloud swirling near the ceiling.

Sam's eyes are open but he looks dazed and unfocused. Dean goes into full-on panic mode (nice!) and checks for a pulse. Sam suddenly comes back online with a gasp. Dean is still panicky, buzzing around Sam asking if he's okay and telling him not to move. Sam calmly touches his chest, gazes up at the glowy cloud swirling above him, and says "I think that's my soul."

Duh duh duh!!! Soulless Sam is in the house!

Title card!

{Sidebar: I also have to say I appreciate that season 16's title card is just shirtless Sam with wet hair, lying on his bed with his hands behind his head, staring sadly through the blades of his ceiling fan. It's a bold choice and I respect that.}

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Oh, my friends. Here we are. Six years and two days ago I sat down to watch 9.01, "I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here." It was the first time I'd ever watched the season opener live. And tonight I'm doing it for the last time.

(No, I'm not okay; thanks for asking.)

So, here's the deal. Every once in a while, I say I want something to happen on Show, and it happens. (Example: In 2016 I posted, in my usual completely unspoiled way, that I wanted Bobby back - not dead Bobby, not ghost Bobby, not angel Bobby, not figment-of-Sam's-imagination Bobby, I just wanted real live Bobby. And three days later, we got Safe House.) Will this happen again? Probably not. Am I going to post a list of things I want anyway, just in case? You know it.

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Before we get started, let me point out that I love this show. I love this show the way you love a child, whose early years were precious and beautiful and full of promise, and then they turn out to be a surly teenager whose room smells of dirty socks and half-eaten bowls of cereal left to rot, who doesn't want to work or go to school or learn a trade or backpack around Europe, but instead decides to hole up in that stinky room and play Fortnite because they think they're going to be a professional gamer someday, and every once in a while they come out and they're precious and beautiful and so perfect that you want to weep, but other days they come out of their room and do some stupid dance they saw on Fortnite and say look, Mom, isn't this funny? Isn't this clever? And you look at that child and you sigh and you think I will always love you but dammit, Stewart, you are better than this.

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Here we go, guys!

The Road So Far: Well, this montage pales in comparison to the one at the beginning of 13.23. Conspicuously absent: Sam being killed by vampires and resurrected by Lucifer. Also, it's set to an AC/DC song, and I dislike AC/DC, so let's just skip this, shall we?

(But Caranfindel! We thought you LOVED all that crappy old 80s music!)

You kids behave or I'll turn this car around.
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