caranfindel

THEN: BMoL and their weird space age compound. Mary's not trying to recruit you but she's really trying to recruit you. Pick a side, Sam. Hellhounds. Lucifer. Lucifer's spawn. Give me some time.

NOW: In Nebraska, a cute young couple is camping. She's going to vet school in Washington, but he's pretty sure they can make this long-distance thing work, which is why he has a ring stashed in his gear. Too bad he's about to get killed by a hellhound. Marcus is dead, but Gwen defends herself with an ax and lives to tell the tale.

Title card!

Sam and Dean walk into the bunker, tired and sore and enjoying some post-hunt exhiliration. Dean is covered in gore and carrying a Walking Dead reference. "Dad would love this thing," he says, putting a bloody baseball bat (wrapped in barbed wire) on the library table. Come on, Dean. That's unsanitary. But okay, we all get the reference, very clever, let's move on with our lives, shall we? Sam tells Dean to go shower because he's covered in ghoul and wraith and has a piece of siren in his hair and also because he's been wearing the same pair of boxers for four days. (Can any of these monsters actually be killed with a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire? Not a siren. Possibly a ghoul, if you hit it hard enough in the head. I don't know how you kill a wraith.)

I don't know how Sam can tell any of these chunks are siren.

While Dean's explaining that his underwear habits are (1) a weird thing for Sam to be aware of and (b) not inappropriate at all, Sam gets a text message. From "Frodo." Okay, I'm not really into this whole BMoL as hobbits thing. Wouldn't it be more appropriate to call them James Bond, since they're British and have all sorts of marvelous toys? Except that James Bond is very competent, so I guess not. And Mick Davies isn't all that tall, and if his stubble is indicative of the rest of his body, might be kind of hairy, including his toes (I'm not actually convinced his stubble is indicative of the rest of his body; I suspect it might be applied with a spray can and a stencil). And maybe they had a second breakfast while Sam was at the compound. Or even elevensies.

None of that matters. What matters is that Sam announces he has a case, and Dean asks how he got it so quickly, and Sam tells him some mumbo jumbo about an algorithm that collects data from news sites and police scanners and 911 calls and basically he LIES. Sam Winchester stands there and lies to his brother about where he's finding all of these cases they're working lately and I am not okay with it. Dammit, Sam. Don't get mad at your mother for secretly working with the BMoL and lying about it and then turn around and do the same goddamn thing to your brother. Stop it. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of brother vs. brother. They've been working together and trusting each other and I do not want the show to go in this direction. (Okay, Sam waving his phone and summing up with "the computer told me" is funny.)

Also funny: Dean offering to clean up with baby wipes in the car, and "I'm using that fancy shampoo you keep hidden from me."

(Sidebar: Does Sam actually use fancy shampoo that makes his hair smell like rosemary and mint and leaves fine to normal hair healthy and full of body? Or does anything other than the cheapest drugstore brand rate as "fancy shampoo" to Dean, and Sam actually uses a non-fancy shampoo? Discuss. But don't try to convince me Sam Winchester smells like anything other than rosemary and mint because I will not hear it.)

(Okay, I will also accept clean laundry, gunpowder, and whiskey in addition to rosemary and mint. And self-loathing and unshed tears.)

(And maybe the teensiest whiff of sulphur if you get close enough on a bad day.)

Close-up on the bat, in case we didn't get the joke. We got the joke, folks. Move on.

The guys show up at the campground in Nebraska, where the police are still milling about, so I guess they're not far from the Kansas border. Both brothers are on the phone when they get out of the car - Sam's talking to Mary (and he signs off with "love you too," aw), who's updating him on a hunt with the BMoL. I guess now that she and Sam are a team, she's willing to call him instead of Dean. "Who you gonna call? Douchebusters," says Dean, while Sam says nothing because he's being a lying liar. Dean reports that Cas is in Idaho, where someone is killing angels.

Cas is, in fact, at the restaurant where Dagon killed the two angels who were trying to capture Kelly Klein. I assume they were trying to capture her. I never really thought about it, but if they'd wanted to kill her, all of the cloak-and-dagger was completely unnecessary. All they needed was a fingertip on her forehead. Anyway, I don't particularly care about this storyline, but I will point out that "Agent Solange" presents his FBI ID upside down, the restaurant's manager is a nutjob, and Cas walks out with a video showing Dagon with flashy yellow eyes. Let's get his entire plot out of the way right now.

When he exits the restaurant, Cas is greeted by an angel named Kelvin, who suggests they can help each other. They sit at a bar, where Kelvin reports that Heaven is more organized now that they have a common enemy. And he wants Cas to join them. Kelvin seductively offers "all the power of Heaven behind you," forgiveness, and a welcome back into the fold if Cas will just help them track down Kelly Klein. Kelvin can't actually give him all of this, but Joshua can. Joshua? The kindly gardener angel from "Dark Side of the Moon?" Sweet! He asks Cas to hear "The Gardener" out "for the greater good." Oh, the greater good. Doing things you're not comfortable with, working with people you're not sure of, for the greater good. That sounds familiar! (I hope they don't turn Joshua into a douche. I liked him.)

Back in Nebraska, the sherrif (who looks very familiar but I cannot place him) is explaining that Marcus was obviously killed by a bear or cougar, and not the invisible wolf the survivor says she saw. Which she believes is now coming after her. "Sounds like a hellhound to me," Dean says.

We interrupt this recap to bring you Sam's adorable nose.

Back at home, Gwen relives the not!bear attack and we see something watching her in HellhoundVision. The Winchesters pull up outside and, as they walk to her apartment, Sam explains that they need to tell her something to let her know she's not being hunted by the not!bear. Dean disagrees, because he thinks it's going to be a ridiculous speech.:

Hi, my name is Sam Winchester, this is my much handsomer brother Dean, and we hunt monsters. Oh, and that guy you were banging, we're pretty sure he made a deal with a demon, so a hellhound came and dragged his soul to hell, but you, you're cool, and since there's nothing around for us to kill, peace out.

You done? We don't say that, Dean, we say something that will give her peace, you know, help her sleep at night.

Oh, so we lie.

Yeah, a lot.

Best "monsters are real" speech ever.

So, they're lighting the "Sam is a liar" sign pretty bright here. It's not like Dean's had much of a problem lying to victims before. It's what they do. It's an important part of the job. But what we're supposed to get out of this, apparently, is that Sam is comfortable with lying to make life easier. And Dean is (maybe because of recent events) not. And also that agents Baker and Clapton are being watched in HellhoundVision as they stand at the door.

I don't know who you are or what you want but yes please come in. Please.
(Alternate caption: This looks like the beginning of that porno running through my head all the time. Yes, agents, I'm ready to be interrogated.)

Gwen reluctantly lets them in, with no one noticing the hellhound on their heels. They tell her their investigation determined her boyfriend was killed by a bear, which has been found and put down, so she's no longer in danger. And okay, Sam's lying, but he's doing it for a good cause. She doesn't need to know about hellhounds. All she needs to know is that she's safe. I am completely okay with this particular lie.

Especially with this earnest face.

Gwen is not okay with it. She says she knows what she saw, and they need to get out. They leave, but the hellhound stays, and Gwen gets attacked but not injured because for some reason it claws up the floor and her rug but not her body, and then Dean bursts in and shoots it. The injured hellhound (which has now been hacked with an ax and shot) leaps out the window.

Cut to... oh, crap. It's Crowley and Lucifer and as much as I enjoy these two normally, I am SO NOT INTERESTED in this plot. Crowley brags about how awesome he is and how he's always ten steps ahead of Lucifer, Lucifer snarks back at him, blah blah blah. Lucifer's going to peel off Crowley's skin and eat his soul, even though we know he doesn't have one. Then minions show up with paperwork and Crowley has to do actual work, because of course he's turned Hell into a bureaucracy. God. Just shut up.

Back at Gwen's house, the Winchesters explain that she was attacked by a hellhound, and that they only come after those who have sold their souls to a demon. And that they can be killed by a demon knife or angel blade( although I'm pretty sure the hellhound Sam killed during the trials was just killed with a regular old knife, wasn't it? Or did he pick up the demon knife that Dean had dropped?) She denies making a demon deal ten years ago, and is sure that Marcus didn't either (but how do you know that, Gwen, and why do the Winchesters believe you?). They don't know why a hellhound would attack without a deal being due, but they do know who might know.

Cut to Crowley, in the middle of his boring and stupid meeting, getting a call from Not Moose. And I do have to emphasize that, even though we're inundated with memories of the epic summer Squirrely bromance, even though Dean calls him Peaches, Dean is still simply Not Moose in Crowley's phone. Crowley tries to hang up until he hears that there's a rogue hellhound, and conveniently, the minions know that a hellhound named Ramsey has escaped. Crowley pops up at Gwen's house and explains that she's like the alpha hellhound, and is only loyal to Lucifer. Dean mentions that Lucifer is locked in a cage and we do not cut to Crowley looking guilty because apparently Crowley being a liar is not the theme of this week's episode. Ramsey is holding a grudge against Gwen because of that whole ax thing, so "we" have to kill her. "We?" asks Sam. Crowley's allegedly eager to help because (1) a loose hellhound makes him look bad, and (b) a hellhound's head mounted on his wall would be good for his image. Even though he has hellhounds as pets. How are his minions going to know he didn't just slaughter Juliet as he was feeding her a Greenie?

Dean comments on how weird things have gotten, and Crowley's all "it can always get weirder," and I know you're all thinking kinky Squirrely thoughts, but Crowley is in fact thinking of Lucifer, back in Hell Adjacent, in some kind of bondage harness. Apparently someone's already using the ball gag.

Crowley's minions enter the room and are very excited to discover Lucifer. One is smug and the other is not worthy, but between the two of them they sprang the hellhound as a distraction and stole the key to Lucifer's chains. And before they release him, Smug Demon has some demands. Not Worthy has none; he only cares about making hell great again. Heh. Lucifer agrees to these requests, and as soon as the chains are removed, smites them both. Who saw that coming?

Back to the Winchesters. The guys have changed out of Fed suits and Dean is digging in the trunk of the Impala. Obviously Sam's had some time with it, because it's a little bit organized.

But he still has to hold it open with a shotgun.

They've still got the holy fired glasses from the Trials. They split up, with Dean and Crowley hunting in the woods and Sam and Gwen are... I don't know. Hanging out, I guess. Dean sternly tells Sam to "take care of her," and Sam's all, of course, why would you assume I'm not going to take care of the victim, until he realizes Dean's talking about the car. "You tend to ride the brakes. Just imagine she's a beautiful woman.

As Sam drives off (not riding the brakes), Crowley and Dean head into the forest, followed by the hellhound. They walk through darkness, with Dean wearing the holy fired glasses. So, this year we've had the return of the priests, more sweaters, prison jumpsuits, and now glasses. What other treats from the past are in store for us? Dare I hope for Hot Professor Sam? Sam's tattoo?

Crowley does some cute imitations of Dean and rags on him for being predictable. Dean accuses Crowley of going soft but also thanks him for saving Cas. Dean suggests they've rubbed off on him, because "who would have thought you'd be helping us save the girl of the week?"

"A few years ago, who would have thought you'd be working with the King of Hell?" Crowley responds. "Maybe you've rubbed off on me, and maybe I've rubbed off all over you." Oh, dude. Summer of Squirrely indeed. Then they find Marcus's body outside what must be Ramsey's den. (Did we know his body wasn't at the campsite? I missed that.) And since she's not there, where is she?

This is a nice X-Files style shot, isn't it?

As bespactacled Sam drives Gwen through the dark, she apologizes, saying everything that happened, including Marcus's death, is her fault. They pull over so she can spew (ew) and she confesses that she didn't actually love Marcus, and she shouldn't have taken him camping. "If I'd just told him. Why couldn't I just tell him the truth? But I didn't. I lied. I lied to make things easier." And now Marcus is dead, Sam. What does that tell us about lying?

It's not Hot Professor Sam, but it will do.

But Sam's a little distracted because, in front of the car, he sees the glowing eyes of Ramsey the vengeful hellhound. She jumps on the car, denting the hood and breaking the windshield, and oooh, Sam, you're gonna be in so much trouble. Sam gets out of the car to kill her and gets knocked down, glasses flying. Gwen jumps out and knocks Ramsey in the head with the green cooler (oooh there's another old favorite!), and Sam's able to kill her.

And huff afterward. Aw yiss.

Except... this aftermath scene still looks like HellhoundVision. Is there another one? Is this supposed to be Ramsey's POV, even though we actually see her in the shot? What's going on here?

Whose POV is this?

Afterward. Dean glares angrily at the car, Gwen hugs Crowley (but not Sam who actually killed the hellhound), and Sam, who is clearly having a moment, sincerely thanks Crowley. Crowley looks at him for a long time and disappears back to Hell, where Lucifer is loose. I'm annoyed as fuck at this, because it's just prolonging the agony of this particular subplot. Lucifer flashes his wings (which are not damaged, unlike all the other angels) and finds he can't leave, because it turns out Crowley was ten steps ahead of him. Lucifer is actually bound to this vessel, which is so warded and spelled that he can never escape. Well, okay then. That wasn't as unpleasant as I thought it would be.

Back at the bunker, Dean has Cas on speakerphone. He tells them Kelly Klein is with Dagon, Prince of Hell. Sam asks "what do we know about him?" because... apparently Sam wasn't there when Ramiel gave us all that evil expositionary monologue explaining that she was his sister and she was very interested in the nephilim? Come on, Sam. Keep up. Then we see Cas and Kelvin are at the stairway to Heaven, and they're going upstairs.

Dean comments that he sounded weird, and then Sam's phone buzzes, and he turns away from Dean to look at it and no, Sam, that's not suspicious at all, you're the best liar ever. Dean asks if it's his computer and we get this.

Uh, no. Um. It's, ah, Mick Davies.

What?

Dean. I don't have a computer program feeding me cases. I, uh. Gwen, every job we've worked in the last two weeks, they've all come from the British Men of Letters.

Really.

Yeah. I didn't tell you because I know how much you hate them.

No, WE hate them. Us. Together.

I get that, I do, but. Dean, because of Mick and his guys, the alpha vampire is dead. They get results. I don't like them either, but if we can save people, then... Either way, I shouldn't have lied to you, and I'm sorry, man.

Well, okay.

Okay?

What do you want me to say? Do I like it? No. Do I trust them? Hell no. But you're right. We work with people we don't trust all the time. Hell, I just Liam Neesom'd it up with Crowley. So if you want to give this a shot, then, fine But the minute, and I mean the second something feels off, we bail.

Yeah, of course. Deal.

Well, it looks like I owe

frozen_delight an apology. I was certain that Dean would blow his top when he found out Sam was working with the BMoL, and it would be clear that "you're an adult and I respect your decisions" only applied to Mary. Instead, he gives us The Face (thank you baby Jesus) and then absorbs this new information, accepts Sam's apology, comes to a very reasoned conclusion that working with them might be appropriate, and sets boundaries. It's exactly the opposite of what I expected, and it's the second-best solution to this issue (the best being just don't lie to your brother, SAM.) It's clear he's not happy about it, but apparently his reunion with Crowley has made him re-think who he's willing to work with.

Sam Winchester may be six and a half feet of well-trained killer, but he looks like a scared little boy sometimes, like when he's worried his brother will be mad at him.

The phone rings again, Sam anxiously looks to Dean for confirmation that he should answer it, and as Dean gives permission but also looks unsatisfied, we cut to black.

Well. This one seemed uneven, like it was trying to be funny but not too funny. It had a lot of nice moments, it had the guys in overcoats and glasses, and it had The Face. But it also had a couple of boring subplots that I would like to disappear. I'm glad the Sam-lying-to-Dean thing wasn't dragged out. I'm glad it was (apparently) solved amicably. What did you think?

Remember, no spoilers in the comments, please!