Fic: Handbook for the Newly Immortal

[caranfindel]

Handbook for the Newly Immortal
Length: About 1200 words
Rating: PG for language
Characters: Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester
Spoilers: Aired episodes of S10
Synopsis: Sam and Dean play road games and try not to talk about important things. I think I needed something light after my last fic. ;-) Probably not entertaining to anyone but me. Dialogue only, inspired by spnspiration, even though I don't have that particular square on my bingo card. And some of this will make more sense if you're familiar with The Princess Bride and The Simpsons.

///

DEAN: I killed... um... an okani in Oakland. Two points.

SAM: No, that's only one point. Okani starts with O-K, but Oakland starts with O-A, so you only get one point for the O.

D: Crap. Okay. I killed an okani in Oklahoma City. O-K and O-K.

S: Yeah, good, that's two points. I killed a... uh... rakshasa in Raleigh. R-A and R-A, so I get two points.

D: I killed a tulpa in Tulsa. T-U-L and T-U-L.

S: Oooh, good one. Three points. You're up to five. So... I killed a demon in Des Moines. Two points, so I'm up to four.

D: Amazon in Amarillo. Three points. Kickin' your ass, little brother. I'm up to eight.

S: Dammit. Um. Shit. A rugaru in Rochester.

D: Seriously, Sam? One point. You suck. And I just killed a siren in Sioux Falls. Bam! Two more points brings me to ten, and I win the round.

S: I shouldn't have let you take back Oakland.

D: Shoulda, coulda, woulda, Sammy.

...

D: I killed a man in Manhattan.

S: No, you can't use that one.

D: Why not? We kill people.

S: Not on purpose. Not when they're human.

D: But what if it's a man who's doing something monstery, like Sue Ann LaGrange and her reaper on a leash?

S: Okay, but Sue Ann LaGrange isn't a man.

D: All right. I killed Sue Ann in Suwanee. Does that work for you?

S: Yeah, that works. Two points.

...

D: Hurry up.

S: Hold your water. I can't come up with a good one.

D: So use a bad one.

S: Fine! I killed a kitsune in Knoxville.

D: One point? You suck. I've got the best one ever. You ready for this? I killed a phoenix. In Phoenix. Seven points, bitch. Beat that.

S: Oh, you wanna play that way? Fine. I killed a Jefferson Starship in Jefferson City. Nine points, and that gives me ten total, for the win.

D: Screw you.

S: You are such a sore loser.

D: Yeah, whatever. I'm gonna kill a bitch in Big Bend. I'll get two points for that one.

S: Fine. I'll kill a jerk in Jersey City. Three points.

D: You wish. Not even on your best day, little brother.

S: Fair enough.

...

S: Speaking of immortality...

D: Were we?

S: About me not being able to kill you.

D: Dude, that's not what I meant.

S: But still. How does it work?

D: Seriously, Sam, can we not do this?

S: No, really. How does your immortality work? Metatron killed you. You were dead. So then what happened? Did Crowley trigger it, or what? How did you come back to life?

D: Jesus, Sam, I don't know. This isn't Beetlejuice. They didn't give me a book.

S: A book?

D: You know. Handbook for the Recently Deceased? From Beetlejuice?

S: I thought that was from The Simpsons.

D: No, you're thinking of the time Homer Simpson got a brochure called So You're Going to Die. In Beetlejuice, Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis got the Handbook for the Recently Deceased.

S: That would be useful right now. The Handbook for the Newly Immortal.

D: Maybe I wasn't all the way dead. Maybe I was only mostly dead. Like the Man in Black.

S: Who?

D: You know. The Princess Bride. You're kidding, Sam. We watched it, like, two days ago.

S: Oh, you mean you watched it? While I was doing research?

D: You know The Princess Bride is one of those movies you always watch when it comes on TV.

S: That's your problem. You watch way too much TV.

D: Yeah, that's my biggest problem. That's what we need to be working on right now. The fact that I watch too much TV. And that reminds me. I killed Springheel Jack in Springfield.

S: Springheel Jack isn't a monster, he's an urban legend.

D: They're all urban legends until we kill them, Sammy.

S: Nope. No points for Springheel Jack, Bigfoot, aliens, or unicorns.

D: Fine. I killed a crocotta in Capital City. A shapeshifter in Shelbyville.

S: God. Just shut up.

...

S: New game. Only the first letter has to match. I decapitated a demon in Dallas.

D: Okay. Um... I ganked a ghoul in Grand Rapids.

S: I stabbed a shapeshifter in St Louis.

D: Maybe we ought to experiment with it.

S: What, with stabbing a shapeshifter? Been there, done that.

D: No, with bringing me back to life.

S: What the fuck, Dean? Kill you and see if you come back to life? As an experiment?

D: You're the one who brought it up. Aren't you curious?

S: Only in an academic way. Not in an experimental way. I mean, you do see the drawback to this little science project, right?

D: Cas could bring me back if I don't come back on my own.

S: I doubt that. Cas is running on fumes right now. Also, there's the fact that when you died last time, you came back as a demon.

D: Yeah, there is that. But you know how to cure a demon, so, problem solved.

S: No thanks.

D: Aw, come on, Sammy. Wouldn't it be awesome to get killed in a fight, bad guy thinks he won, and then I'm just, "nope, not dead!"

S: "Awesome" isn't exactly the word I'd use.

D: Or I could pretend to be a zombie. Braaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnnnnsssss!

S: Not funny.

D: It's a little bit funny. Anyway, I just think it would be good to know if I'm really unkillable.

S: Maybe you're not. Maybe that's why you didn't get your handbook.

D: Maybe so. Or maybe I'm supposed to write it myself.

S: Doesn't matter, because we're going to get rid of the Mark.

D: Whatever.

S: We are, Dean. I mean it.

D: Anybody want a peanut?

S: What?

D: Shit. You're hopeless. So... I gutted a ghost in Galveston.

S: I, um. I mangled a man with a Mark in Maui.

D: Good one. Not that you could, of course.

S: Riiiiight. I bet when we get back I can lynch a loser in Lebanon.

D: No, because I'll be busy kicking the ass of a kid brother in Kansas.

///

Author's note: If the first game doesn't make sense to you, you have to come up with a monster and a city. You get a point for each letter at the beginning of the monster's name that has the same sequence as the city name. OKapi and OKlahoma city both start with O-K, for two points. Quite possibly inspired subliminally by Cabin Pressure.

Comments

[galwithglasses.livejournal.com]

Nope...not dead....chortles. This is all really good. Great banter and I can see them doing this to pass the time.

[caranfindel.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

I love it! All the references, the perfect Winchester Word game, the brotherly banter, Dean's crazy kill me to see what happens... They are so in character. I am craving an episode interspersed with this very dialogue now - do you think they'll give us this tonight? Please?

[caranfindel.livejournal.com]

Thanks! You know they'd have to have some kind of road games!

[ex1led-nyer.livejournal.com]

I seriously want to petition the writers to put this in an episode. It's the perfect Winchester road game!

[caranfindel.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[mdlaw.livejournal.com]

Cute and heartbreaking at the same time. m. :)

[caranfindel.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[septembers-coda.livejournal.com]

I really loved this. It makes me want to try a dialogue-only fic, if I ever write any again. Top-notch characterization. I didn't even need the initials to tell who was speaking most of the time. Great job.

[caranfindel.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'd love it if you felt like writing one.

[sanshal.livejournal.com]

This was great!

[caranfindel.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[madebyme-x.livejournal.com]

What a wonderful fic!

You conveyed so much with only dialogue, which you nailed for both boys! I loved the gentle banter and the game playing (what perfect Winchester car game!) I loved how you brought up Dean's immortality, and how he wants to test it, especially how Sam and Dean both dealt with the conversation - it was so in character.

What a fabulous read! This is genius!

[caranfindel.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much!

[emmatheslayer.livejournal.com]

This made me giggle so Sam and Dean I really love it nice job

[caranfindel.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[tkodami.livejournal.com]

I love it. It reminds me of car games that I would play with my older brother on incredibly long, incredibly boring car trips (back before: handheld games, cellphones, dvd players, all that jazz). I totally feel the Winchesters coming up with this game.

I mean, half the time there aint even other cars on the road with them.

Great work with the dialog-only form too!

[caranfindel.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I figure they MUST have come up with some crazy road games, with all the time they spent in the car!

[ayyymamacita.livejournal.com]

oh my goddddd, sign me the fuck UP, that is some good shit right there!!!!
first of fucking all, u made up a car game that relates to both the mythology (hunting) and the tone (americana, road trip lifestyle) of the show, and u also wrote spot-on banter and dialogue and ughhhh, this is so ridiculously well-done, man.
and also, best usage of the bitch / jerk thing i've ever seen, hands down. and u even added to it with the loser / kid brother lines.
goddamn <3

[caranfindel.livejournal.com]

Now that is an awesome comment! Thank you! XD

[borgmama1of5.livejournal.com]

You created a PERFECT Winchester driving game! I want to see this used in the show!!! In the meantime I am making it part of my personal headcanon!

[caranfindel.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :-)

[sandymg.livejournal.com]

Super clever. Man, how much lore research did this take? Bravo.